Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
