Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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