At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
