You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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