I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
