Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
