i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
