I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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