I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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