And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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