I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
