This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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