Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
