i jhust puked up my retainher.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
