Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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