i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
