In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
