They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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