I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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