i wish my penis had a tongue
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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