The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
