Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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