as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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