We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
