If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
