I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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