Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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