i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
