Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We are all done wearing pants today
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
