you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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