I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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