You just made me feel so damn special
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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