you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
