I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
