R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
