I accidentally burped into my bong.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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