Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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