I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
