Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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