nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
nutella sex= disaster
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
