I think I died a long time ago.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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