Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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