I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
