Got a toothbrush?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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