Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
