my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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