My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
