i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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