I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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