why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
